I won't be stupid and say that I've never made a mistake...I'm just like anyone else. But for you, though, I tried so hard to do things right--to do things that made the most sense. You know that. I tried to be whatever it was people saw as rational, moral, and observant at all costs. And most of the time I was, wasn't I? So, when I tell people how it happened, they're pretty appalled. What happened with us made so little sense at the time, please understand how it still feels for me. I wish it--everything--had happened differently, and I feel like I should say I'm sorry. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, or myself. I just wanted to save everyone--I wanted to make everyone feel needed--and I know that no one person can be everything I was trying to be. I said I loved you and I meant it every time. But, I couldn't save us all.
Our teen-aged minds and bodies were so deceptively young. Our hormones and instincts fooled us into believing we were older than our emotional years. We were all just trying so desperately to find and control ourselves, you know?
We were all friends through high school, and we'd all just turned 19. The rambuctious years of college were upon us, and we all felt that boundless sense of freedom. It was Fall semester and we'd just gotten our schedules, remember? Devon was obsessed with Donnie Darko, and we watched it at two in the morning laying on the couch in the apartment you both shared. He'd fallen asleep, leaning against me as I was in the middle, and you whispered to me that I should come over on Tuesday because we'd have the apartment to ourselves. You must not have realized that you told me wrong. It was Thursday that you didn't have class.
But as Tuesday finally rolled around, I drove my jeep to your apartment and parked out front in that space reserved for the cleaning lady. I walked up the stairs and used the key with hello kitty's head on it to open the door. I heard the shower running so I relaxed on your bed for a while, flipping through your Nylon Magazine. We'd never done this before, and I wanted to tell you how nervous I was feeling...honestly, I--it did. I looked around at your room...the posters were of bands I'd never listened to. You had pictures of all your friends on the walls, and stuffed animals on the bed from when you were younger. I didn't want to do anything there...I felt so out of place.
I could see the bathroom door open from your room, and the nerves in my stomach jumped to my throat. When Devon walked out, adrenaline rushed through me. I was expecting it to be you. And we both knew how he felt, Lisa. We did. I just wish I could have realized what I felt sooner.
"Devon!" I called. He was still dripping from the shower, and he looked towards me with the widest blue eyes, startled.
"Nate! God, you freaked me out," He trailed off, the heat rose to his cheeks as we both realized the awkward excitement of the state of him in his towel. You and I, we both knew. He knew that we did. Even though he didn't say anything, we tried to make him feel comfortable about it. That was my only instinct...I didn't want us to be awkward. He'd put aside his pride for us most of the time, which is pretty insightful for a 19 year old. He was always saying the craziest sounding shit that we'd only realized the gravity of much later. Being around that was amazingly inspiring, we'd realized. He'd always been our best friend and he shouldn't have had to censor who he was. Nobody should ever.
I walked out to the hall to talk to him. His hair hung around his face, and beads of water trailed from the ends of the blonde threads to continue their journey across his skin. He wiped at some of them, distractedly. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans, glancing at a mole on his chest as I spoke.
"Sorry Dev--Lisa was supposed to be..." I motioned to your room, and he nodded in regretful understanding, "She's not here, is she?"
He made us laugh with his jokes when he was nervous, remember? I laughed because I thought it was funny at first...but he wasn't ever kidding, Lisa. I think we both knew that even if we didn't admit it. So, I wasn't laughing, then. It hurts to think of what he said at times, when you realize how honest he was being. His brows scrunched up with embarrassment, and he bit at the ring in his lip more nervously.
He shook his head wordlessly before turning to walk the few steps to his room. He was shaking a little, and I knew I'd caused it. I felt like I should have left then. Devon wasn't emotional that way, you know? He had such a Zen outlook on life all the time. I wanted to encourage that and not whatever anxiety crept up on him when he joked with self-loathing like that.
I followed him, apologizing, and he just shrugged it off like it was fine--like it didn't matter--as always. It would have been so much easier if he didn't care anymore, I'd thought. It was exhausting, trying to balance you and him, you know? So, his next question, though honest as it was, threw me into turmoil.
"Nate...why are you still here?" He asked, keeping the annoyance from his voice and avoiding my eyes as he turned his back to me and pulled on shorts, "Lisa won't be back until like, 5."
I didn't know how to react to that question. Well, obviously we were friends and maybe I just wanted to hang out with him. But then I knew, Lisa...he didn't have to say your name. Panic, or more probably, relief coursed through me. You knew, and you'd led me here to accept what you'd realized, or admitted, before I'd had the chance. It was my turn to be embarrassed, and for my cheeks to flush. I watched his profile, the way his chest expanded as he breathed in, the way he looked down like that and pushed a hand through his hair confidently. My body ached. You knew it would.
"Dev...how could..." I said sharply. My mind was reeling, "You knew I..."
I choked on the words. I'd never fought with my instincts and my false sense of rationality harder than I did in that moment. I couldn't finish my sentence--but I didn't have to because he'd turned to me with reassurance in his eyes. I felt ashamed for the time I'd spent denying this for us--for you--and squinted against the burning tears of honesty pushing up my throat. I let him kiss me, and he was timid and polite, but I kissed him back with the hungriest intensity I'd ever known. The skin of his back was warm and inviting under my figertips and I didn't let go--I could only pull him closer. I accepted myself, then, and realized how used I must have made you feel. Amidst my perpetual apology, Lisa, I have to say thank you--thank you a thousand times.
Our teen-aged minds and bodies were so deceptively young. Our hormones and instincts fooled us into believing we were older than our emotional years. We were all just trying so desperately to find and control ourselves, you know?
We were all friends through high school, and we'd all just turned 19. The rambuctious years of college were upon us, and we all felt that boundless sense of freedom. It was Fall semester and we'd just gotten our schedules, remember? Devon was obsessed with Donnie Darko, and we watched it at two in the morning laying on the couch in the apartment you both shared. He'd fallen asleep, leaning against me as I was in the middle, and you whispered to me that I should come over on Tuesday because we'd have the apartment to ourselves. You must not have realized that you told me wrong. It was Thursday that you didn't have class.
But as Tuesday finally rolled around, I drove my jeep to your apartment and parked out front in that space reserved for the cleaning lady. I walked up the stairs and used the key with hello kitty's head on it to open the door. I heard the shower running so I relaxed on your bed for a while, flipping through your Nylon Magazine. We'd never done this before, and I wanted to tell you how nervous I was feeling...honestly, I--it did. I looked around at your room...the posters were of bands I'd never listened to. You had pictures of all your friends on the walls, and stuffed animals on the bed from when you were younger. I didn't want to do anything there...I felt so out of place.
I could see the bathroom door open from your room, and the nerves in my stomach jumped to my throat. When Devon walked out, adrenaline rushed through me. I was expecting it to be you. And we both knew how he felt, Lisa. We did. I just wish I could have realized what I felt sooner.
"Devon!" I called. He was still dripping from the shower, and he looked towards me with the widest blue eyes, startled.
"Nate! God, you freaked me out," He trailed off, the heat rose to his cheeks as we both realized the awkward excitement of the state of him in his towel. You and I, we both knew. He knew that we did. Even though he didn't say anything, we tried to make him feel comfortable about it. That was my only instinct...I didn't want us to be awkward. He'd put aside his pride for us most of the time, which is pretty insightful for a 19 year old. He was always saying the craziest sounding shit that we'd only realized the gravity of much later. Being around that was amazingly inspiring, we'd realized. He'd always been our best friend and he shouldn't have had to censor who he was. Nobody should ever.
I walked out to the hall to talk to him. His hair hung around his face, and beads of water trailed from the ends of the blonde threads to continue their journey across his skin. He wiped at some of them, distractedly. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans, glancing at a mole on his chest as I spoke.
"Sorry Dev--Lisa was supposed to be..." I motioned to your room, and he nodded in regretful understanding, "She's not here, is she?"
He made us laugh with his jokes when he was nervous, remember? I laughed because I thought it was funny at first...but he wasn't ever kidding, Lisa. I think we both knew that even if we didn't admit it. So, I wasn't laughing, then. It hurts to think of what he said at times, when you realize how honest he was being. His brows scrunched up with embarrassment, and he bit at the ring in his lip more nervously.
He shook his head wordlessly before turning to walk the few steps to his room. He was shaking a little, and I knew I'd caused it. I felt like I should have left then. Devon wasn't emotional that way, you know? He had such a Zen outlook on life all the time. I wanted to encourage that and not whatever anxiety crept up on him when he joked with self-loathing like that.
I followed him, apologizing, and he just shrugged it off like it was fine--like it didn't matter--as always. It would have been so much easier if he didn't care anymore, I'd thought. It was exhausting, trying to balance you and him, you know? So, his next question, though honest as it was, threw me into turmoil.
"Nate...why are you still here?" He asked, keeping the annoyance from his voice and avoiding my eyes as he turned his back to me and pulled on shorts, "Lisa won't be back until like, 5."
I didn't know how to react to that question. Well, obviously we were friends and maybe I just wanted to hang out with him. But then I knew, Lisa...he didn't have to say your name. Panic, or more probably, relief coursed through me. You knew, and you'd led me here to accept what you'd realized, or admitted, before I'd had the chance. It was my turn to be embarrassed, and for my cheeks to flush. I watched his profile, the way his chest expanded as he breathed in, the way he looked down like that and pushed a hand through his hair confidently. My body ached. You knew it would.
"Dev...how could..." I said sharply. My mind was reeling, "You knew I..."
I choked on the words. I'd never fought with my instincts and my false sense of rationality harder than I did in that moment. I couldn't finish my sentence--but I didn't have to because he'd turned to me with reassurance in his eyes. I felt ashamed for the time I'd spent denying this for us--for you--and squinted against the burning tears of honesty pushing up my throat. I let him kiss me, and he was timid and polite, but I kissed him back with the hungriest intensity I'd ever known. The skin of his back was warm and inviting under my figertips and I didn't let go--I could only pull him closer. I accepted myself, then, and realized how used I must have made you feel. Amidst my perpetual apology, Lisa, I have to say thank you--thank you a thousand times.
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